Jeep Jokes

[Wooders]

Well asside from the Patroit, icon, or compass ;)

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During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another Jeep stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, " *Yours* is."
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[Wooders]

How Real Jeepers Remove the Cork From a Bottle of Wine...




1 Call buddies and have them come over with their Jeeps.
(fully loaded and ready for action!)


2 Air down tires to 0 psi.


3 Lay wine bottle down in soft ground. (sand, wet mud, etc)


4 Drive onto bottle so that it is firmly secured and cannot
move. (better use a Spotter for this step; one wrong move
and the whole operation could be ruined!)


5 Dig a small hole with your camp shovel under the mouth of
the bottle, just big enough for a Dixie cup to fit underneath.


6 Pull out your tire chuck and air hose, and connect to your
York on-board air system.


7 Locate an extra tire valve and some JB Weld from your spare
parts box.


8 Using your Leatherman Multi-Tool, cut off the rubber end of
the tire valve and file the metal shroud to a sharp point.


9 Punch a hole through the cork using the cleaning awl from
your tire repair kit.


10 Quickly jam the valve stem through the cork and secure
with JB Weld.


11 Beer break!


12 Call girlfriend and tell her dinner will be a little late.


12 After JB Weld has hardened, attach air chuck to tire valve
and "pressurize" bottle until cork pops out.




If that doesn't work . . .




1 Use your valve stem removal tool to remove the stem from
the tire valve.


2 Retrieve a can of starting fluid and waterproof canister
of matches from your spare parts box.


3 Spray a generous amount of starting fluid into the tire valve
and remove one match from the canister.


4 Yell "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!" and toss lighted match towards tire
valve opening.


5 Make sure no one is in the line of fire . . . $h!t . . .
use Leatherman tool to remove tire valve from buddy's forehead,
who wasn't listening and seems to be stuck on Step #11 above.
Anyway, as there are a heck of a lot more empty beer cans on
the ground than you remember just a little while ago!


6 Temporarily patch hole in buddy's forehead with Duct Tape
and take him to the Emergency Room.


7 Talk to cute nurse.


8 Call girlfriend and tell her dinner will be a bit later still;
ask if she wouldn't mind take-out.


9 Obtain a 1/2-inch or larger self-tapping eyelet from your
spare parts box and screw it into the cork, which is still
firmly wedged inside of the wine bottle.


10 Secure with a generous application of JB Weld;
don't want this baby slipping out like the tire valve!


11 Beer break!


12 Have buddy with new Warn HS9500i winch play out about 20 feet
of cable and attach hook to eyelet in cork.


13 Throw cardboard from empty case of beer over winch cable
for safety.


14 Slowly take up slack in cable and continue to pull until
cork pops out of bottle.


15 Dammit! Promise buddy to pay for the damage
caused by the wine bottle traveling at slightly
subsonic speed through his windshield.


16 Take buddy back to Emergency Room for treatment of
lacerations from shattered glass.


17 Talk to cute nurse again and get her phone number this time.


18 Call girlfriend to see if she will be free next Friday;
offer to take her out to dinner.


19 Stop at the Corner Store and buy another case of beer.


20 Call cute nurse to see what time she gets off work;
ask her if she likes beer.


21 Throw bottle of wine in garbage can!

[Steve F]

Three mechanics were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first mechanic finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands its dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Ford, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second mechanic finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Chevrolet, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third mechanic finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "At Jeep, we don't pee on our hands."

[NT-Boy]

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A REAL JEEP IF...

1. If you use a hose to clean the inside and the outside
2. When the best route from point A to point B is through the rockpile or over the mountain
3. When a scratch or a dent is a beauty mark
4. You roll it over and don't get upset
5. Your mom and sister can't get in without help
6. You judge every hill you see by how much fun it would be to climb
7. You puke when you see a RAV4
8. You get custom pin-striping from trail brush
9. When a low-rider Jeep pulls up next to you and you get out and bitch-slap the driver
10. If it takes more than 6 hours to get donuts
11. When you pull into the unplowed parking spots on snowy days
12. When you take your friends wheeling and they say "What trail -I don't see a trail!"
13. When you've been forced to add CJ to your spell-checker
14. When you can see OVER a Suburban
15. You carry emergency supplies and clothing because you never know
where you will end up
16. When your Nerf bars battle rocks and win
17. When it rains and you don't care that your tops and doors are off
18. When you drive around to look at Christmas lights topless
19. When you change your plugs in the parking lot at work on a break
20. If your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house
21. When you take your Mom wheeling and she has to help you flip the Jeep back onto its wheels again
22. You use an ice-scraper on the INSIDE of the windshield
23. You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents
24. Every page of your repair manual has greasy fingerprints
25. Passengers scream "DON'T ROLL IT!" when you take them wheeling
26. You spend more time under your Jeep than under your significant other
27. Winter comes and your can't remember where you left the roof
28. You spend more on car washes than on insurance
29. Even worse the car wash won't let you in
30. You fix almost everything yourself
31. When you feel sorry for someone in a $60,000 Hummer
32. When you have all your credit card numbers memorized
33. When you slam the door and chunks of dried mud crumble to the ground
34. If you get asked to pick up your co-workers in a snowstorm and get paid for it
35. Your wife/girlfriend refuses to get in it
36. You are the only one on the street who doesn't plow their driveway
37. You are dating the Service, Parts or Sales Manager at the Jeep dealership
38. You try to run the plow trucks off the road when it snows heavily
39. You can't hear your $200 stereo over the howl of your tires on the highway
40. You have a high-water mark INSIDE the Jeep
41. Any tire that isn't waist high looks like a bagel
42. You can't take a girl, who's wearing a dress, on a date without carrying along a set of steps
43. You can't sneak into church late because the engine is too loud.
44. You carry along enough tools to supply a small garage
45. You nickname your Jeep after the noises it makes or it's most damaging trail accident
46. You carry along a replacement part for every drive component on the Jeep
47. You can air up your tires without stopping at a gas station.
48. You know how to reinforce the windshield frame near the wiper arm
49. You're constantly getting passed on the highway.
50. Your wallet is always empty.
51. When your boss's secretary calls to "recommend" that you wash your Jeep
52. When you finally wash the mud off, everyone thinks you bought a new Jeep
;D

[stevet]

Bump.......Why not!!........Lol.............